Nine Ways To Say I’m Sorry

We break down why apologies often fail, how to repair ruptures, and what real responsibility sounds like. We share nine ways to say “I’m sorry,” why empaths attract narcissists, and a three-level framework for forgiveness that actually restores trust.

• scarcity of explicit apologies in familiar biblical stories and why that matters
• empathic personalities as targets for narcissistic partners
• rupture versus repair and why “I’m sorry, but…” erodes safety
• separating identity from behavior to stop shame spirals
• nine apology styles from simple to fully accountable
• transactional and conflict-avoidant apologies as red flags
• Rambam’s three levels of forgiveness and practical limits
• how to ask for forgiveness up to three times with sincerity

Transcript

Why Apologies Matter In Torah And Life

SPEAKER_01 0:00

So, welcome to my class. This is a new class. Have you noticed the schedule? I put a whole new title to this class. Nine ways to say I'm sorry. Obviously, it's part of the Emotional Vampire series, the book coming out very soon. And the reason why I want to talk about this because when I when I read the Torah portion, it doesn't really get into like, you know, we we see sometimes when Moshe begs to God on that Sinai, please don't God's like, I'm gonna destroy the people, especially after the golden calf. And God says, please don't do it, don't do it. And then God, you know, forgives the Jewish people. But we don't see a lot in the relationships between Yaakov and all of them, uh Abraham and Sarah, uh Yaaqov and Rifkum and uh Rachel and Leah, we don't see a lot about apologies. We don't see a lot, even with the two brothers, the twins, we don't see a lot of like, I am sorry. Even when the Jews go down, when the brothers come down to Egypt and they go in front of Yosef, and they don't recognize him. And he's and they remember, they try to sell him, and if you if you don't know the story, they try to first, I think, kill him, they try to kill him, and they throw him into a pit with snakes and snakes and scorpions, and they sold him to slavery, and then 20 years, then he ends up, they sold him to slavery and he ends up you know not seeing for 20 years. And they don't recognize him, and he says, I am Joseph. Is my father still alive? And what's the next line that you would think would be out of his mouth? Be like, you guys suck, you guys, you guys, you guys sold me to slavery, you tried to kill me, I'm gonna put you in jail, now I'm gonna make you slaves, right? I'm gonna kill you, whatever it was. What did he say? He didn't say, I forgive you, which is a there's a whole suogie in the idea that really he didn't get forgiveness. He didn't give it called mehila, but he does say it's not your fault. So it's not full forgiveness. And we're gonna get into forgiveness. Ram Baum talked about three different ways of forgiveness, but we're first gonna talk about how to say I'm sorry. And it's so important because as you know in my relationship classes, I talk about, I talk about one of the danger dangerous parts about relationships is when as someone who's got an who's an empath, empathic personality. What's an empathic personality? Someone who likes to give, someone who's available emotionally, obviously physically, but obviously emotionally, and they can open up and they can share their feelings and they're allowed other people to share their feelings to them. By the way, when we talk about keepers in my class, the whole acronym of K-E-E-P-E-R, we want to get rid of the two E's, which is envy and ego. But you want people in your life who are the last four letters, K, P, E, R, kind, peaceful, empathetic, and respectful. And an empathetic personality, a person who's empathetic is there for you. A person who's empathetic can listen to your feelings, they can listen to your problems, they take it in. Now they might not really feel it, they might not really feel sad when something happens bad to you, but at least they pretend to it at a minimum. And when you're a woman who's kind of more likely gonna be more empathetic than a guy, the general rule of thumb, is that because we want to give your givers. Empathetic people love to give. Just like our family, my wife and I are empathetic people. We love to give other people. Of course, we have to put barriers up sometimes because we know that people suck us of our energy and drain us, and we have emotional vampires in our life, and we all do. But the problem is that you have someone who's a narcissist or someone who has narcissist tendencies or full NPD, whatever it is, and they they're uh an empathetic person is like shark bait to a shark. They put their claws into them, they love bomb them, right? Next thing you know, you're not in a relationship, you're in a manipulation ship. And this is the problem because what do narcissists have a hard time saying? And these are very important words to say in a relationship. Very important. They are I'm sorry. And we're learning today nine different ways to say I'm sorry. That's the the goal of this class today. You have a hard time saying, I forgive you, or I was wrong. You know, thank God we have, you know, I don't know if thank God or not. I mean, like President Trump, who is the typical narcissist. I mean, thank God he's you know been great for Israel, but like he has never said, he's never said I was wrong, he's never said I'm sorry, that he can't do it, it's not possible. It's not in his DNA to do that. It's hard to say for some people, it's hard to say I love you. And I said sometimes saying I love you is not the most important thing to say in a relationship, right? You can have your husband say I love you every single day, but if he doesn't appreciate you, right? Doesn't show you intention, what does that mean I love you? Just like in parenting, we're doing this parenting class on Wednesday, raising superstars. You can say I love you to a 15-year-old boy. It doesn't mean anything to him. What does that mean I love you to a 15-year-old? What does it mean I love? What does love mean? Right? I mentioned you before, like I've been on a number of podcasts recently. I'm doing two tomorrow. And with these PhDs in psychology and these people, you know, older women, like you expect them to know stuff, and they can't define love.

unknown 4:56

Right?

Hardest Words To Say And Why They Count

SPEAKER_01 4:57

Of course they're all divorced. It's crazy. Like, I'm I the podcasts I'm getting on are all divorced, women are PhDs in psychology. And I think what happens when you go through a rough time, you get a PhD in psychology. You have to focus, you know, you've you've been probably in a manipulationship. They've probably been, you know, I'm not blaming the guys for this, but I am blaming the guys for this. They've probably been emotionally abused and need to put their life somewhere, somewhere they can they can they can grow and at least have something to base their life on. It's very difficult. Divorce is one of the worst things you can go through in life, I'm telling you. So they say it's like they won't say it's like death. And this is why I teach classes on dating and marriage. Because what's the most important decision you're making in your life? Who you're gonna marry. Yet you're gonna spend more time getting a driver's license, you're gonna spend more time commuting to work or to walk than you are to, sorry, I'm making fun of you, and uh than you are to uh than you are to learn what it means to be in a passionate relationship. You have no idea what you're doing, and this is why most relationships fail. And when I mean fail, I don't mean divorce, I mean you can be in a relationship for 50 years and you can die married and you were not successful. Because that's what my passion is. I want to build loving relationships. So I'm gonna get into the ideas. Oh, the so I said the the some of the hardest words to say in the English language are I'm sorry, I forgive you, I was wrong, I love you. And the last word is Worcestershire sauce. Why is that hard to say? It's just hard to say. I don't even know if I'm saying it right. Does anyone know Worcestershire sauce? How do you say it, Rabbi? I might have added a syllable, it's not easy. Worcestershire sauce? The first three are required for a healthy relationship, the fourth is needed for a romantic partner, and the last is needed for a great ribeye steak. So, admitting you're wrong can seem like a simple thing, but if you're not an empathetic person, it can be difficult. Of course, narcissists never admit that they're wrong. And there are there's times when apologies we need to hear in the relationship. Becky Kennedy, I read, I saw this online, she did a TED talk, American clinical psychologist, said, and uh she has a New York Times bestseller called Good Inside. She discusses that when we are emotionally hurt, we emotionally hurt someone, we've caused a fracture in the relationship. It needs repairing. And by the way, the the the apology doesn't mean it's repaired. And we're gonna go through why saying I'm sorry doesn't mean it's always repaired. We fracture, we repair. We fracture, we repair. And the problem is sometimes an apology is just a way to shut down the conversation, like saying, hey, I'm sorry I yelled. Can we move on now? Whereas a repair is going back to the point of the disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging the impact that had on somebody else. And it's very hard. We did not see Yosef Hatzadik go to his brothers and go back to the actual fracture that had happened when they sold them to slavery. We don't hear about that story. You know, why'd you guys do that? Why'd you guys, you know, I know my father, I know our father played a favor for me. I know that. But why did he sell me the slavery? What did I do? I'm you know, this is a it's funny we have three parts of the road about Yaakov. Bayetseh, he went, by Yeshlach, he sent, and by Yeshen, he settled. He went, he sent, and he settled. And by the way, for some of you guys who are like, you know, in Israel for the first time learning, this is your journey. You grew up in a house, wherever it was, in New York or Brooklyn, you know, or California, or Miami, and you thought it was good for you to be there, you thought because you were comfortable and it's familiar. But you had to get out of an environment to come to a place like Asia Torah or come from Tel Aviv, right? You come to a place where you don't have your social circle around you, right? You're closer to the coatel because this is where actually heaven and earth meet. This is why when people come here they say, Oh, it feels really spiritual. Do you know why? Because this is the meeting point of God and the physical and the spiritual. This is the meeting point. This is why it does form the whole here. And this is also why people come here, they're more opened up to learning. And when you get out of that, you have to leave your place when you come here, and then you say, you know what, I'm not staying for one class. I know there's a there's a woman who came here. Literally, all I say off the boat. She was from Tampa, she's in the A7, she's great, and she'd never been to a Shabbat dinner before. She'd been with Alami Sol in Tampa, and she comes to it. She had a chance to come for a few weeks because of a job in school. And she came, and the first Shabbat dinner she comes to my house, which I don't know if that means it's good or bad. I don't know, because you have a pretty good Shabbat, you know. She might be disappointed in other places she goes. So anyway, my point is she uh and she ended up extending a week. And you come for a week, you stay for a month. Next thing you know, you stay for a year, next thing you know, you're a rabbi faster five years, and eight kids living Mayasharim. That's what happened. That doesn't matter everybody, no, it doesn't have everybody. And the reason sometimes you come here, you you went, and you're here, like, mom, can you send me some clothes? Mom, can you send me some money? Mom, can you and dad come visit on a holiday? Because I'm gonna see you, and I'm not, I decided to stay here for another year, but I want to see you. So you're sending for your parents, you're sending for money, sending it, and then it's only then when you can settle. It's only then when you have clarity in your life. I mean clarity about everything, not clarity, I mean clarity about relationships, clarity about God. Because you have to have one of the two questions you have to ask yourself when you come, especially in my class, two questions. Number one, is there a God or is there not a God? Is there a God or there is not a God? Those are two choices in life, right? Which means everything's random or everything's not random. If there's no God, you're a random creation, and if there's a God, you are created for a purpose. And you have to answer that question with clarity. And it takes time. The second question you have to ask, did God give us the Torah? Because if you fast on Yom Kippur and you do not think that God gave you the Torah, you're an idiot. Because that means you're following the rules of some man, woman, or group of men or women. If I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna pick Scientology. I can hang out with Tom Cruise.

unknown 11:16

Right?

Rupture Versus Repair In Relationships

SPEAKER_01 11:17

I'm gonna pick my pick my own religion at that point in time. So sometimes an apology is just a way to shut down the conversation. A repair goes back to the point of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, acknowledging the impact it had on someone else. Imagine a water pipe with a fracture in it. Some water may trickle and uh may trickle down to the very end, to the tap, to the faucet, but most of that water is gonna seep into the ground and be wasted. The same can be for a relationship. If you do not repair the relationship, you might have a relationship, but it's not gonna be very good. The water won't be flowing out of the relationship. And by the way, I always say this, you're only as happy as your worst relationship. Get good at repairing relationships, and again, you want to throw the apology in, but it's always about repairing relationships. It's a two-step process. First, you rupture and you repair. When someone ruptures a relationship, the guilty person is now a different person in the eyes of the one that got hurt. They now look at them as a scary friend, sibling, parent. They can also be a scary mom or dad. The hurt person is going to state, is going to a state of distress, and they have to find a way to feel safe and secure. And if the perpetrator does not repair this, who are they gonna blame? Who do children blame when their parents are dysfunctional and abusive? They blame themselves. They still love their parents. It's the children that are now not loving themselves. They rely on the only coping mechanism they have at their disposal, and that's called self-blame. Something's wrong with me, I'm unlovable, I make bad things happen. While self-blame can work for us in childhood, and we usually get over it, God willing. We all know it works against us in adulthood. These are core fears of so many adults. But really, these are the childhood stories that we tell and we wrote when we were alone, feeling alone, sitting in our room crying, from following stressful events. Adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, and self-forcelessness. This is one of the reasons why I wrote the book, Never Feeling Loved Again. Because we all go through times when we have low self-esteem. We have to know how to get out of it. We have to know how to make sure we protect our happiness. Because if we don't protect your happiness, no one's doing for you. You don't have bodyguards hanging around you making sure you're protected with guns. We have, if you're when you're like a celebrity, you have bodyguards protecting you from physical harm. But there's no one going around with us protecting us from emotional harm. Those bodyguards aren't capable of doing that because they can they can bench press 400 pounds and they can shoot a gun, but they have no idea about psychology. And most psychologists aren't psychologists aren't following you around. And you can't always rely bless you. You can't always rely on your best friends or your parents. Because the reason why, because they're their yes men. They're there, they love you, want the best for you, but they always say yes to you anything you want because they want what's good for what you think is good for you. You need someone to tell you the truth, which doesn't always feel good. That's why I always told my students, I'm not here to be liked, I'm here to make you great. And sometimes that means it's making a hard choice. I was teaching last week at uh were you there at Chabad last week?

unknown 14:30

No.

Childhood Self-Blame And Adult Healing

Separate Identity From Behavior

SPEAKER_01 14:30

No. Anyone of you guys get a chabad last week? Dave, you were there, right? Chabad last week. So I talked about it's called a class called uh dating AI. How to make sure your love isn't artificial. I gave it here. I did, that was my practice class. It got better. I'll give it a I'll give it over in a few weeks. Uh because that's what I do. I when I have a class, I give it over. It's funny. I'm very blessed to have this opportunity to teach, like every day, not every day, but most days. And uh and I get to try things out on you. This is a class, you're here for the first time, right? So this is great. Oh, so I was talking about anger and relationships. And I mentioned that anger is like idol worship, it's like a vote azora. And after the class, there was two women that came over to me, older women, probably not old, but older, probably in their 50s, probably divorced. And like, why is anger a vota Zora? Anyone can tell me why is anger like idol worship? Go ahead. You're you're putting the power into the person that's making you angry, which is true, and you're taking away from the sham. Is that their answer? Anger means you're losing control. And the only difference between humans and animals, the main two differences between humans and animals, is instinct and language. We have a much deeper language, we have deeper souls. Animals have souls not the same level. Animals live on instinct. They live on instinct. When I feed my dog Mocha, you know, I feed her twice a day. She met my dog Mocha, right? She's a doll. She's a complete doll. And when I feed her dinner, and then let's say for some reason I have a pizza at the house and I put a pizza pizza on the floor, Mocha just finished a meat dinner. She's not saying to herself, you know what? I'm playish, I really can't have that. You know, I'm a little bit fat. I if I if I eat the pizza, I won't be able to jump in the bed. I can't fit to the doggy door. Mocha isn't thinking of that. She's an animal, she lives in instinct. She sees the pizza and she eats the pizza. Why? Because she's an animal. And when you get angry, you're not controlling your instincts. You're losing control. And you're saying, why is it like a vote of Zora? That's one reason. The second reason is because you're saying, God, you made a mistake. And God does not make mistakes. The reason why this person is getting you getting you upset, there's a reason for it. We don't know the reason. For you to learn from, for you to grow from. This is why relationships, like I say, when you when you're married, it's like a heart. And it splits in two, and you half your soul goes into a zigzag, and their half goes out to someone else in the world. And your job is to find that person that you're that you're Basharit. And those two souls merge into one under the hookbah. But your job isn't to be to go to your husband and say, honey, you've got to stop picking your underwear off the floor. And your job isn't to go to your wife and say, You've got to stop burning the chicken. Your job is to accept them for who they are as a person. You hope they grow, you want them to grow. There's nuanced ways to get your husband to stop throwing his underwear on the floor. But it's not by yelling at him every day, because that's just criticism. As we learned in my classes, criticism destroys relationships. Because you want to compliment them, criticize, compliment them, criticize, or you'll get into a fight, compliment them, criticize, or she'll strike you with her right, compliment them, criticize, or she'll go on mitfa strike, compliment them, criticize, then she'll say, not tonight, compliment them, criticize, or she'll dress like Betty White, compliment them, criticize, or he'll dress like Betty White, compliment them, criticize, then he'll go for guys in tights, compliment them, criticize, then you wish you lost that fight, compliment them, criticize. If you want some fun tonight, compliment them, criticize, get your love to greater heights. Thank you. I'll be seizures every Tuesday night. Okay, let's get back to the topic. When we can tell stories from our past that caused us distress, but now tell them the safe environment, the story changes. And we change. With repair, we effectively change the past. And that is what a good therapy does. It's to repair. We want to repair all our past relationships. Self-repair means what's separating your identity from your behavior. My latest behavior does not define me. And I tell this to my kids all the time if my kids do something wrong, Brookish and I have great kids. Thank God. But they do, they do, they make mistakes. I go, I don't say you're a bad person. I go, you're a good person that made a mistake, that did something wrong. It doesn't find, I don't make sure that my kids make a mistake, it defines them who they are as a person. My latest behavior does not define me. I was a good parent that was having a bad day. I was a good partner, but my anger got the best of me. I am not a bad person. I just did not have the proper tools to respond in a healthy way. And this is one of the reasons that we have so much dysfunction in the world today, is because we have parents who did not have the proper tools to raise us. And this is an issue. And this is why when you had come from dysfunction in the family, you must forgive them. They did the best with the tools they have. And you're never gonna move forward in life when you have anxiety and depression and low self esteem because of something your parents did to you. I am sorry, it's time to move on. We are not gonna fix the past, we're going to fix the future, and we're gonna find ways to make you happy, to live the rest of your life. With emotional stability, what I call emotional serenity. We cannot repair, we cannot fix the past. We can only change the future. And one way to fix the past is to forgive the source of our low self-esteem. And if you do not forgive the source, you're gonna be in constant pain the rest of your life. You have to learn to say, I forgive you, and learn to say, I'm sorry. After you take responsibility for whatever you did wrong and repair, state what you do differently the next time. These are not repair. I am sorry I yelled at you, but if you were more grateful, then I wouldn't get mad at you. I'm sorry, I smacked you, but if you had listened to me the first time, this wouldn't have happened. These are insinuate that someone else caused your reaction. Again, which is like living an instinct. Can you imagine a wife comes home, a husband comes home from work? He says to the wife, honey, I'm so sorry, I have to apologize. I slept with my secretary. Oh, it's okay, honey. It's just your instincts. That makes sense? None at all, right? We have instincts, we're men. Our instincts are very, very strong. We have this desire to spread our seed. It's part of what God made us. That's why He made us to spread our seed around. But we can control ourselves. This is why I talk about like Hashem, you know, as you as you have parents that age, you'll notice that sometimes they lose their filter. Things that, you know, any sort of idiosyncrasies they had in the 40s and 50s now comes right out in the open in their 70s and 80s or 80s and 90s. Like, you know, this one called a dirty old man, like an old man's walking by and see a woman and he like he pinched her tushy, right? He wanted to pinch her tushies 30 years earlier, but he can control himself. But now he lost all his, I'm being honest, but he lost his filter, right? Do you everyone know what tushy means? I don't know if that's is that a common word in the non-Jewish world, Tushy? I for some reason I don't think it is. The little kids, I think. The little kids? Yeah. In the non-Jewish, have you been in the non-Jewish world? I don't think they use the word tushy.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

I don't know what's coming.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

Right, I don't know. I think they use the word buttocks. In the buttocks. In the buttocks, right? They push the button, and they can't because they can't control themselves. They look they lose their filter. But we I'm being honest, it's true. And we we've all experienced like hearing about George Old Men, like they walk in the park and they open their things like that, but they can't they can't help themselves. Okay, let's go through nine different ways to apologize. And by the way, these are what I wrote in my book uh Emotional Vampires, available January 13th. I will have copies here very soon. I have a printer printing out a thousand copies. If you uh I give out my book Sunscreen Love, I have copies here for you that are free. I'm almost out of my book Never Feel In Loved Again. I give away a thousand copies. I'm almost out of those. But this book will be free. I mean, that book's free. This book will be 50 shekels. You can Zell or Bit or Cash, whatever. And uh if you do it early, I'll if you do it with me before the book's even printed, I'll give you a handwritten note in the book. I'll sign the book anyway, but I won't put your name on it. This way I'll I'll do a nicer. If I can do it at home when I have time, I'm like, I can take a time and write a nice note. Anyway, so ready for the nine different ways to apologize. Does anyone here understand apolog like how to say I'm sorry? Like there's different ways. Like, give me an example. Acknowledge your wrongdoing. Okay. Acknowledge your wrongdoing. Sure, make sure you yeah, stop what you stop whatever is doing that you have to say I'm sorry for, for sure.

SPEAKER_04 23:45

Like I just acknowledge the consequence, like, oh I'm sorry I did that, and that made me feel this way.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Okay. So let's get into the what I wrote what I wrote in the book, and we'll see if we can add some more or some of them don't make sense. Yes. Huh?

SPEAKER_02 24:01

Did the brothers talk about say sorry to Yosef?

What Not To Say When Apologizing

SPEAKER_01 24:03

I don't think the brothers ever said I'm sorry to Yosef. Unless I said it when I mentioned earlier in the class, I don't remember seeing the word I'm sorry. The only time that I I saw I'm sorry, I never saw I'm sorry, but I said I I forget, I forgive the Jewish people. God forgive the Jewish people. That was Yom Kippur. God forgives the Jewish people for the golden calf and doesn't destroy them because Moshe pleads, what are you gonna do? Take them out of Egypt and kill them in the desert? Right? Again, so he has to convince them. I don't think they, and we didn't, I don't know if we said I'm sorry. I think that's what we do when you know Hasham knew, Bagad knew. Like I think that's when we do sorry.

SPEAKER_03 24:36

There's different levels of forgiveness, and what I've heard from that story is like that was like the absolute lowest level. Like it's barely like I wouldn't forgive someone.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

We're gonna get into it. Let's get into the different ways of saying I'm sorry. What's that song? Is it just to say it? Huh? Justin meeting. No, no, it's like Lyon Ritchie or somebody, just to say I'm sorry. I don't know. There's a song. There's a song. Is that what? I just call to say I love you. Who is that? That's uh Steve Warren. Yeah. He's an anti-Semite. We're not gonna sing a song. Yeah. The Simple Apology. I hope you guys recognize some of these, and we'll see if we can expand on this and make my pen out. Because this is uh again. Sorry about that. This is a casual sorry for small inconveniences or social niceties, like bumping into someone when you're walking down the street or being slightly late. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. It's just it's a quick thing. It shows awareness, but not much emotional investment. It's the apology that a six-year-old uses whose parents make them say sorry to a little sister for pouring a bucket of sand over their head. Sorry, right? There's not much emotional investment there. That's a simple apology. Then we have what's called the apology with justification. And we use that special word, I'm sorry, but. And anytime you use the word but, it means there's a justification for it. It means at first this may sound like an apology, but it fails short of being genuine. It often sidesteps true responsibility, especially when the other person feels hurt and is seeking real ownership. The word but signals a shift away from accountability, suggesting that the apology is conditional when the blame is being placed somewhere else. Instead of expressing sincere remorse, it becomes an attempt to excuse or minimize the harm caused. Yes.

unknown 26:38

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 26:45

But simultaneously, maybe you're also revealing the other.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

So here's the thing. I I think there might be justification, but maybe this is not the time to give it. Like I say, a lot of times in especially when you're married and dating, and you get emotional and you want to yell at someone or criticize someone. And I I give the story all the time, but me putting the food on the blef in my old shaves morning, right? That my wife didn't do it in morning. I wanted to say something, I didn't say anything. I waited four or five days until it wasn't in the moment. And sometimes that justification has to come at a different time. And sometimes it's best to say, I'm sorry for hurting you, please forgive me, and that's it. And then later on, you can get justification when they're not emotional.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

Let's say we're both involved for each other, we're both in an argument. And the only way to come to a conclusion or to see like what do we need to change is by both people saying the justification.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

Right. So what I would do is I would say sorry, then maybe involve the situation, but nothing's gonna change. No, so what in a situation like this, I think you need time because once you're emotional, nothing good's gonna happen. So I think when you walk away with it sometimes, it's good. Like there's a people say, Oh, you should never go to bed angry. No, that's baloney. Go to bed angry. Go to bed angry and don't discuss the situation when sleep on the couch if you have to. There's nothing wrong with it. Huh?

unknown 28:08

Ron Bomb explicitly says it.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

Ron Baum says it? Yeah. So like it's best to wait until you're not emotional when you can discuss things like regular adults. If when you're emotional and nothing good happens. This thing, thank God. This is something we learned as a parent, especially when you have kids, you cannot negotiate when they're going through turmoil or stress. Well, I I had a situation this week in my family. I'm not gonna go over it because I'm gonna tell, you know, I don't want to say anything, but like, you know, you have to wait till they calm down. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 28:35

Maybe then you have to wait. Sorry, first repair what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 28:39

You might have to wait. You might have to wait. You might have to say you must apologize to why I say I'm sorry. I'm not we're not gonna talk about this now because you're emotional. But I'm gonna apologize again later, and we'll talk more about it later. And just let them know that you want this repair, I want to repair this relationship.

SPEAKER_02 28:58

I'm just saying, discussing what damage went on, and everyone's making these fancy and explaining what they didn't mean to do something like it, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:05

Yeah. A lot of times in this situation, the problems come from one simple thing. Defining your terms. Defining your terms is so important. I was walking to the old city just now, and there was a woman, and she was selling these bracelets that said peace on them. I was in a hurry, so I didn't want to talk about her. But like, what does it mean word peace? Like we talk about peace in the Middle East, right? I don't know about you, but who doesn't want peace? The problem we have is that we have different definitions of the word peace. For me, the word peace means I can walk through Jaffa Gate without having to worry about getting stabbed. And for the non-Jew, the definition of peace, especially the Palestinian, is dead Jews drowning in the Mediterranean River or being killed behind a tree. That's the definition of peace. They don't want us here. So if we can't have common definitions of the word peace, there's never going to be an agreement. And you we can't like I don't understand why we can't have this clarity, right? What do you want? And they don't state because they've embarrassed the state that they want us not to be here, they want us to be dead. And so because of that, we can't come to agreement for anything. You disagree with me? Some of them do say outright, for sure. Yeah, yeah, no, they're they're tiptoeing around it. It's just the truth. The third way to say I'm sorry, I'm sorry I upset you. This level recognizes, it's called the partial apology. This level recognizes the emotional impact, but may not fully admit faults or show understanding of what went wrong. In this version, the person apologizing doesn't really mean they are sorry, only that they are sorry that they what they did may have hurt you the other person. In their mind, they may be completely innocent. I'm sorry I hurt you. Well, you deserved it. That's what they're saying. You deserved it. I'm sorry I hurt you. No, you're not really. I'm sorry that you feel bad. I hurt you, but I'm not sorry I did for you. It's a partial apology. And then we have the avoiding conflict apology. Sometimes a person will say, I'm sorry, just to avoid conflict, even when they believe they've done nothing wrong. This dynamic often shows up in a marriage where one spouse apologizes simply to keep the peace. Used occasionally and with some wisdom, this kind of apology can help de-escalate tension and maintain harmony. However, when it becomes a pattern where one partner is constantly apologizing just to avoid anger or to keep the calm, it's no longer healthy. In fact, it may be a red flag for emotional manipulation or even abuse. In a balanced relationship, a balanced, healthy relationship, both partners should feel safe expressing their perspective without fear of emotional fallout, avoiding conflict. And you'll see this in marriages where there's generally abuse and narcissism. And you'll have a, I'm not gonna say a wife or what I'm using the wife because I'm a guy. She'll say, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just to keep the peace. And it's okay to it's okay sometimes to say I'm sorry, even though you know you're right. I have a chapter in my book, Sunscreen Love. It's called Sometimes You have to be wrong to be right. Right? Because what's the most important thing in a relationship? Shalom by it, peace in the home. And sometimes, because you can fight with your spouse and you know you're right, and you fight with him and you fight with him, and guess what? They finally give in and admit they're wrong that they're that you're right. Did you win? You might have won the battle, but you're gonna lose the war. And the war is a passionate, love, and relationship, which I want to save and keep for everybody. So the avoiding if you understand that this apology is just to avoid conflict. And then you have the instant apology. One where you're speaking and immediately realize you said something wrong. Like sometimes I do this. Oh, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, before the other person can even show their negative emotions. This is usually done during an argument with the close loved one. You say something to me, like, we're fat, like oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Like, you know, it's just an instant apology. There's not much emotional involvement here, right? Because you said it and you caught yourself immediately, which is fine. And that's better than nothing. Better not say something. Obviously, this is what you should say, but you should think before you speak. Because even though you said something like I hate you or divorce, I want a divorce. By the way, my wife said to me when we first got married, we weren't religious when we got married, she said, Be careful what you say to me. Like, what do you mean? She goes, Because when you say those words hate or divorce, those words are floating out there. And even though you may apologize and take them back later, it's still floating out there. This is why a good attorney, you know, when he says when he's in a case with another attorney in court, it'll say something knowing it's gonna be stricken from the judge, but it doesn't matter once those words are said, they're still out there. Right? Delete from the record, yeah. What's the jury gonna like? Delete, there's no delete button, right? I like what I said the other day that if you're not careful when you're dating online, you might meet a guy at Starbucks, and it could end up being a MacBook Air computer. I said they're great because they're reliable and slim, unlike most men. But I said, but I said the great thing is they have a power button. You can turn them on, like this, I got, I wish I had a power button, this is the turn me on, right? We don't have that. The problem is, of course, that relationship is gonna last when you get to recharge them every three hours, right? So though anyway, I love that. That was my dating AI class that I gave recently. The apology to get food, sex, or money. These are apologies of strings attacks. When someone says, I'm sorry, primarily because they want something from you. While an apology might seem to be sincere, it's often clouded by the fact they stant the game from your forgiveness. This creates a lingering doubt. Are they truly remorseful or just trying to get what they want? When an apology is motivated by self-interest, it can still be valid, but it's rather harder, it's it's but it's harder to trust because they want something from you. Just like when guys and girls are dating in the secular world, and you I you guys probably don't know this, but this is a common theme when like the guy they're about to sleep together or something, right? They got they're getting very physical, and the girl goes, Well, do you love me? I mean, what's a guy gonna say at that point in time? No, what I love you so much. Because he's gonna get sex. So he's gonna say, What do you have to say to get sex? He's in a situation where he wants it, right? It's again that's that that is getting something for saying I love you. It's meaningless, obviously, right? I said again, I thought that's the truth, it's a true story, right? Okay, then you have the fake apology while taking responsibility. I'm sorry I said that. What I said hurt you, and I did not mean to do that. Although you in your apology you said you didn't mean to do it, in reality, you did mean to do it and and and it hurt the per other person. So sometimes you do that, we say something, and we still meant to do it, we'll we do it again. But then there's a real apology while taking responsibility. I'm sorry I said that what I said hurt you, and I don't mean and I did not mean to do that. In this instance, the person is admitting guilt and telling them they were acting on emotions and it was not their true feelings. Here, the person taking real responsibility and expressing empathy. This apology and the one above are the same. It takes reading someone's facial expressions to know if it's a real apology or a fake one. And the last way to say I'm sorry is the full apology with responsibility and empathy. I deeply regret what I did, I was wrong, and I hurt you. You didn't deserve that, and I want to correct it. I want to repair the fissure, I want to repair this relationship. This is the most important thing. If you want someone to want to repair the relationship, and we're gonna get into this when we get into forgiveness, how to for how actually forgive somebody. This is the most sincere level, includes vulnerability, remorse, emotional connection, and often the desire to change or make amends. And vulnerability is one of the key issues in relationships. You want to meet a guy or girl that has vulnerability that is open up again. We come from dysfunctional background, we we have internal injuries. We put a wall up. We put a wall up, and we have a hard time. And by the way, this is the issue you might not notice in your early 20s. If you get married at 23, 24, you come from a divorced background, your parents are divorced, and there's emotional pain that never got healed. 10, 15 years later, that is going to come to bite you in the back. It's gonna come bite you in the in the butt, whatever you would be bit, whatever you get bit, right? Tushy. You've been the tushy. The reason why is because you never repaired that emotional pain. And this is why if you want your kids to have a fabulous marriage, you must show them what a fabulous marriage is. They have to have something to emulate, which which I teach you all the time. I teach you, I teach you, I teach you what love is. I teach you what marriage is, the definitions, the feelings. What love is to a man, what love is to a man, get to a to a to a woman. Man, whatever you want. I'm not judging you. You do whatever you want. I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not getting in that game. I was attending a singles dinner recently. Um, this is the stories in the book. And uh there was a friend of mine, and she was supposed to go with this guy, and they never had the date never happened. And she's at this dinner. I think the guy recognized her and she recognized him, and he's being really mean to her, like really rude. And after the dinner, her friends who were trying to set her up goes, You want to go out with me? No, he gets a jerk. She goes, He's really junk, he's really junk. Because that's not who he really was. And she asked my opinion, what do you think goes, coach? What do you think about me going with this guy who's really treating me very badly? I said, and I said to her, Alcoholics are notorious for apologizing for behavior after the damage has been done. And I said, usually when the liquor flows, the truth goes. Is that how was that the saying? Your truth comes out and liquor becomes the saying. I haven't read it. Is that is that what it is? When the liquor flows, the truth shows. Alcohol doesn't hide character, it reveals it, right? And that's by the way, I don't really drink that much anymore, but if you come to my house on Friday nights, I used to drink scotch after dinner sometimes. Occasionally I get a nice buzz going on. I'm so much fun. I'm a lot of fun. I mean, just singing and doing funny stuff. Like it's not not stupid, but fun. Like, really, like my my my creativity goes off the charts. I'd like to get drunk again. It's fun getting drunk. But it's not good for my heart. It's actually alcohol is very bad for you. Don't drink. You know.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

Maybe the fun is the good health.

Instant, Fake, And Transactional Apologies

SPEAKER_01 40:03

I think when you're younger you can get away with it, but as you get older, as you know, Rabbi, like you know, I I turned 60 in June. It just starts to really take a toll, and you just cannot, it's hard to handle. It's also the booze, it also affects my heart. After the fact? Yeah, usually a day later. But like on Friday night, I literally have it like, am I house Friday night? No. I like this much scotch and some ice. I could love, I just love I love like good babini, like it smells so good. So I have a little bit, and then like I went to bed and like the next thing you know, my heart's like for like literally for like for like 20 seconds, it was very crack. Yeah. Yeah, I have atrial fibrillation. So but I've had it, I've been really good. Since I've gone alpha, it's been, I mean, probably night. It's a few times. Well, I it's not good for me. It's so bad for me that I it's just I haven't had problems. I've been like almost a year now without atrial fibrillation issues because I stopped drinking. I would have talked about how like when I was in college, I did a paper on this, and like when guys are drinking alcohol, they get into fights and they're drinking and driving, killing people. Like, but when guys smoke pot, I'm just talking college. I mean, I just I wasn't around, hang on, go what they do all day, they sit around and eat a bag of potato chips and they're not getting into fights and they're not drinking and driving. I'm not saying it's ridiculous that alcohol can go anywhere, and now of course things have changed now. Which I think was ridiculous before that that was illegal and this is legal. Alcohol should be illegal and pot should be legal, that's what I think. But I'm not, you know.

SPEAKER_02 41:42

I thought both should be legal. Yeah. I vote for two is better than one. How about both should be legal?

SPEAKER_01 41:46

Well, the problem is dangerous things happen in alcohol. I think alcohol is more I this is listen, I'm not a doctor, but I think it might be now people say, well, pot's a gateway drug. Maybe it is, I don't know. Right. That should be the rule, you only drink one shabbat.

SPEAKER_02 42:07

No, you may drive a weapon.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

Yeah. Well, if you're a good drunk, it's okay, but if you're a bad drunk, it's it's have you seen bad drunks before? They're mean. They get into fights all the time. They're the same guys that got in fight in college, the same guys that got into fights all the time. Right? And they can't get it's horrible. Who here wants to marry a drunk? I don't see any hands up, right? Wants to marry a drunk. No one's a marrying alcoholic.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

We all have our addictions, right? Every single person everyone's not.

SPEAKER_01 42:41

Right, that's why, but you're not an animal. You can control your instincts. That's our job. Our job is to complete ourselves as a person. That's why when God brought uh Tove and Ra down in the world, as Rabbi Dublov says, it's not good and bad, it's complete and incomplete, and our job is to finish ourselves. And we can control our instincts. Oh, for sure, sure. No, this is what this is a whole issue in the world to low self-esteem. We're looking for approval of other people. And that's what I talked about. I said the greatest, the greatest, the greatest transformation about taking control of your happiness is having internal satisfaction with that to me with external validation. And we're looking for external validation, right? When we go out, like I said, would you buy a BMW if you knew no one's gonna if you knew no one was you driving? Would you buy a$3,000 Armageddon suit or a$10,000 Louis Vuitton purse if you knew no one's gonna see you carry them around? And if you say yes, I'd still buy it, you're lying. Just like guys who go to the gym and lift weights. Would you continue to lift weights if you get stronger, but your muscle mass would not change and your tone would stay exactly the same? Would you go to a gym? No, you wouldn't. Sorry. No, you wouldn't.

SPEAKER_02 44:04

If I don't, I'm in the worst mode.

SPEAKER_01 44:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:07

Like really. Like it's like we don't have to be.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

But you see, but you can see, you can see a change in your muscle mass. You can see your arms get tighter, your muscles get bigger.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

We say that. We don't have to be a little bit more. What if there was a problem? It's like for me, it's a mental.

SPEAKER_01 44:23

It's like I agree. I run for mental, I've meant for my mental health, right? I run for mental health.

SPEAKER_04 44:28

What's gonna say?

SPEAKER_01 44:29

Yeah. I don't think it's much. Would a woman on an island? I don't think so, because running what?

SPEAKER_04 44:34

Would a woman on an island still put on makeup if she was alone on the island? That's a good question. Yes. What? If there was a mirror.

SPEAKER_02 44:43

Yes.

unknown 44:45

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 44:48

And I'm gonna say something very important to the women out here. Well, if you're on an island alone, you're working out no matter.

unknown 44:58

A person can want to feel good for themselves, doesn't matter if you're not gonna be able to get it.

SPEAKER_02 45:01

If you're in an island, that's a material thing.

SPEAKER_01 45:06

If you're on an island by yourself, you're working out all day just to survive. You don't like guys who work guys who work in construction aren't going to the gym and like, oh, today's legs day. They're gonna they want to go home and rest. If you're if you're in it, you're you're picking, you're you're chopping wood, you're chopping wood all day.

SPEAKER_00 45:26

Let's say somebody who doesn't have a physical job, that's why they take down after that. It's so they can tie themselves out physically and feel good about that aspect outside of necessarily muscle.

Full Responsibility And Vulnerability

SPEAKER_01 45:35

Do you think gyms existed 150 years ago? Just survive on an island with a gym. Having to chop the wood, having to get the water and boil the water and go fishing and kill the animals, that was your job as a gym of lifting weights. But nowadays, if you want dinner, you call Walt and you deliver hamburger to your door, right? And then you go to the time for that. And you go, because you're not doing anything anymore, so you have to go to the gym that for your emotional health and physical health. You should work out. I'm into working out. I think you should work out. But I'm telling you, if you went to the gym and you saw no change in your muscle mass and no change in your firmness or your weights, would you still go and lift weights? You'd probably say no, right? And we don't need the muscles anymore. It's not like you're walking down the street and some lady's gonna drop her purse, like, ma'am, I got your purse. I banked 350 today. Like, I did 10 steps. Like, you lose that what are you talking about? She can say, Okay, carry my six, my six bags, you know, three blocks, right? So I'll ask you to do that. We don't need the muscles anymore. We're not fighting stable-tooth tigers. We have guns and we have lasers now, you know?

unknown 46:34

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 46:35

Because we've invented lasers and we invented the weather. We controlled the weather, right? We invented these things. My point is, you don't need those muscle masses anymore. It's all from getting attention that you said before, we're addicted to attention from other people, and it makes us feel good. And for women, you feel validated, and for men we feel respected when we get attention from a woman and we like it, we all like it. It feels good. But when you start to have internal happiness without the need for external validation, you will live a life of happiness without the need for Louis Vuitton purses, and without the need for going to the gym for 10 hours a day, go for half an hour a day. You don't need 10 hours a day, right? And we when we when we have and when we find we're happy and love ourselves, that's when we're gonna attract someone to love us. I am not a matchmaker, I'm a mate maker. I want to make into a person of other people that want to love. And this is why I give a class called From Swipe Right to Wedding Night: How to Make Yourself Irresistibly Marriageable. Because you have no idea what you're doing, no offense. Maybe some of you do, but most of us don't. Three levels of forgiveness. When saying I'm fine is just emotional duct tape. If your favorite hobby is collecting every injustice ever done to you, I've got a better suggestion. It's not collecting Taylor Swift friendship latest, it's try collecting coins. It's been shown to now I'm just pushing this plug because I'm a rare coin dealer. Although I don't sell coins to you guys, I sell them to big dealers. You're a coin collector? No, no way. That's what I do for a living. Yeah. It's actually a very exciting week this week because there's a major auction in New York on Tuesday, December 9th, and they're selling uh an 1804 silver dollar. It's newly discovered coin, probably the finest one. It's already bid today, and the auction's not even off yet. It's already bid$5.4 million. And I'm actually bidding, I'm actually bidding on six coins on that auction. It's only like 54 coins. I'm bidding on six coins.

SPEAKER_02 48:23

That's why it's happening worth it.

SPEAKER_01 48:25

Whatever sells for it. Whatever people will pay for it.

SPEAKER_02 48:28

That's the value of the coin.

SPEAKER_01 48:29

It's whatever it's not auction, but it's material what it's value is. It's whatever person pays for it.

SPEAKER_00 48:35

Is it a quarter or is it a dollar?

SPEAKER_01 48:36

It's a silver dollar. What's a silver dollar? It's a whole long story. I'm not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_00 48:42

It's like it's like art.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

Yeah. Coins are rate.

SPEAKER_00 48:47

Did you tell God to go out with a drunk guy?

SPEAKER_01 48:49

Huh? Did you tell him? Oh, I was told the story guy. So I told her I said, I said, if this is how he acts when he's drunk, you don't want to marry God. This is his true intent. I go, this is how he's gonna be. I go, you can't.

SPEAKER_04 48:59

You got drunk on a date. No, there's a Shabbos dinner.

SPEAKER_01 49:02

Oh like a Shabbat's dinner. He was mean to her.

SPEAKER_02 49:06

God actually saved her. So what happened? Then she got to see the real.

SPEAKER_01 49:09

Oh, I get I have to read you what I wrote. Alcohol.

unknown 49:12

Shh.

SPEAKER_01 49:13

Sorry, I only have a minute left. Alcohol doesn't hide character, it reveals it. If that's who he became, if that's who he becomes with a drink in his hand, then that's someone you probably don't want holding your hand. Boom, baby! Boom! Boom! That's another one-liner. I call my zingers. I'm making so many zingers right now, it's unbelievable. It's just I'm I'm all into zingers.

SPEAKER_00 49:37

It would take a while with a bang, but you can make another bang. You've got like 50 bangs today. Oh, okay.

Validation, Ego, And Internal Happiness

SPEAKER_01 49:43

So uh yeah, so you don't want to collect people collect injustices. They always say these are people who are the uh what do you call it, injustice collectors, right? They're always playing the blame game of somebody else. Never take responsibility for their life, right? And they'll drain they're emotional vampires, they drain you of energy. So we're gonna talk about three ways. This is from Rambaum's emotions bin Maiman, we call it Maimonides, and his laws of repentance that forgiveness operates on three distinct levels. Number one, external forgiveness. This is forgiving the action, but not the sinner. When one person wrongs another, the victim may forgive the offense, but not the offender. In doing so, they often cling to a hidden grudge, which will fuel inner turmoil. Holding on to a grudge doesn't punish anyone except the heart of the one who harbors it. True peace comes from not particular partial forgiveness, but from releasing the person entirely. If you want to live a life full of emotional serenity, offer full forgiveness to the one who committed it. And it's not so easy. I know it's not, especially when you were raising a feeling with dysfunction. I agree. It takes a long time and a lot of therapy, maybe some coaching, maybe some readers of my books. I don't know. I have no idea. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychologist. But really having people who are empathetic and who you can talk to, this is why you need someone to talk to who can listen to you. This is one of the most important things. When I coach people all the time, I do because I enjoy it, I don't do it for a living. I do because I like it, but I'm not a therapist. I don't want to sit here for an hour listen to you because I just I don't want to go home and have to like take a shower. I want to solve your problem. Tell me, is there a question you want me to answer or a problem you want to solve? And I get right into it. There's a whole backstory. I'm sure everyone has a backstory to their problems. Everyone does. But that's not gonna solve your problem. Changing the future is gonna solve your problem. Controlling your instincts is gonna solve your problem, controlling your emotional state, forgiving the source, finding something in your life that's gonna bring you light, something that's gonna bring you joy in your life, that to get your mind up. Just like when you have when you if you've ever been dating or marriage, dating, and a guy broke up with you, especially if you've been dating for a few years because you have no idea what you're doing. If you're dating for marriage, you don't date a guy for three years, no offense. You meet a cute guy, he's like, Oh, he's nice, my friend. You get into a physical relationship, confused and vaccination of love. Next thing you know, you meet him at 23, you're dating until 29, and then he breaks up with you, and like, what happened? What happened? What are you dating for? I was dating from marriage. Well, why don't you get married? Oh, no, no, we'll see what has going on. That wasn't ready yet. Guess what happened? You wasted the best years of your life. And this is why I have the acronym, dude, dating, engagement, and wedding. You have to have a timeline. What time is it?

unknown 52:14

Uh one six four.

SPEAKER_01 52:15

You have to have a timeline on how long you're gonna date a guy. If you're dating from marriage and then you're not gonna wait more than the more religious you are, it might be one day. If you're not religious, it might be six months, whatever, two years, whatever it's gonna be. You have to have a timeline. You don't want to waste your life because you don't have clarity in what you're doing. Clarify why you're dating and hold by it. Number two, so that's external forgiveness. Number two, internal forgiveness, forgiving the action and partial the sinner. A higher level of forgiveness is to forgive not just the act of the sin, but also the guilty person. Even though there may remain a trace of dislike for the person, there's still some healing to do even the pain hasn't fully disappeared. Hopefully, you'll get someday to full reconciliation.

unknown 52:57

Right?

SPEAKER_01 52:58

This isn't like when a friend does something to you and you're in and you pilot and you forgive them, I forgive you. There's still that internal thing going on, like still something going on that's not fully there. And this is when holding, you have to wait a second, your questions, I'm gonna finish. And this we get to number three, full reconciliation. This is the highest and most complete form of forgiveness. This level is an emotion so strong that makes it as if the act never occurred at all. This is the kind of forgiveness that matters most in a romantic relationship. At this level, the relationship is not only restored, but strengthened. It transforms itself into greater connection with the person you forgave. And this is what they say sometimes, they sometimes say that makeup sex is the best sex. Because you've now strengthened the relationship. You guys never heard that? Okay, maybe not for it. It's true. Okay? In Jewish law, a professor is only obligated to ask forgiveness three times. After three refusals, the person is no longer held accountable for that action. As they have proven their true regret, at that point the burden shifts. The one who refuses to forgive is now considered to be bearing a grudge. If it's a real apology, yes. There's a lot more to this. Three real three real ones, right. You have to be real has to be real, not one of these fake ones.